Read any funnays lately?

[BadBeast]

During an IRS audit, the auditor looked at the tax payer and exclaimed...

... "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, and urinates all over the desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

[StormInateacup]

A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students at the University of Michigan. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn’t really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.

One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods in upstate Michigan; find a bear; preach to it; and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all got together to discuss the results of their experience.

Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages, goes first. “Well,” he says, “I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary, Mother of God, he became gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him his first communion and confirmation.”

Pastor Billy B. Smith spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, “WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don’t sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God’s HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said Flanny, he became as gentle as a lamb. In fact, until the ambulance came, we spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.”

They both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV’s and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape near death, but recovering.

The Rabbi looked up and said, “Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.”

[StormInateacup]

A man walks into a doctors office, sits down and says "Doc, what's wrong with my knee? It hurts all the time."

The doctor replies "You're going to have to stop masturbating".

The man says "Stop masturbating? Why would I have to stop masturbating?"

The doctor replies "So I can examine you".

[StormInateacup]

An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter
astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time
in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and
showed her his enormous erection.
"You see that thing, woman?" he happily exclaimed. "What do you think
we ought to do with it?"
With one eye open, his wife replied, "Well, now that you've got all
the wrinkles out, this might be a good time to wash it."

[BadBeast]

[StormInateacup]

The Judge looked at the jury in disbelief,
"How could you possibly find this man not guilty"? he asked
"Insanity your honour"
"What......all fucking 12 of you"?



My mate was shocked when acting as head of the jury at a murder trial, to discover it's considered inappropriate to answer the judge's question, "How do you find the defendant?" with...

"Well, I wouldn't mind giving her one, your honour."



What do you call a police woman who shaves her pubes?

Cuntstubble

[StormInateacup]

A few days after christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you son of bitches who want off get the hell off cause this is the last stop! And all of you son of btches who are getting on, get your fucking arses in the train cause were going down the track."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay their for TWO HOURS. When you come out you may play with your train. But I want to hear nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of his bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped, and the mother heard her son say. "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us and hope your trip was a good one." She hears the little boy continue. " And for those who are just boarding, we ask you to store your luggage under your seat. Remember, no smoking on the train." We hope you have a pleasent journey."

As the mother began to smile, the child added " And for those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see that fucking bitch in the kitchen."

[rscott]

trash

[StormInateacup]

Jun 22, 2012 2:07:03 GMT -5 @rscott said:

trash

Well it's me and Beastie unsupervised on a joke thread - did you honestly expect esoterica?

You ought to look at what we've done in Giffidge if you wanna see trash!

[StormInateacup]

[BadBeast]

[StormInateacup]

The other day I saw a religious nutter crossing a busy road, wearing a sandwich board bearing the legend 'The End Is Near.'

It certainly was. I ran the cunt over.

I don't know why in Arabic Nations, Sunnis and Shi-ites blow the shit out of each other. Their religions are virtually identical.
Same happened in Ulster with Protestants and Catholics. Again, barely any difference between the two religions.
It just goes to show how, when you live in a country with no blacks or Jews, people will improvise.

Herpes,

The Greek God of STDs.


A guy is walking late at night through the streets of Londonderry.

He hears footsteps behind him and then a voice says, "Are you a Protestant or a Catholic?"

Thinking quickly he says, "Neither, I'm Jewish."

The voice exclaims, "Fuck me if I'm not the luckiest Muslim in Northern Ireland!"


Ken Livingstone was just on BBC News saying that the BBC shouldn't give airtime to Racists as it doesn't give airtime to Paedophiles.

Have they cancelled Songs of Praise?


My mum and dad are always complaining about the sacrifices they make for me.

Like it's my fault they're druids.

[DeadManSinging]

I'm not racist, racism is a crime and crime is for black people

[DeadManSinging]

I ejaculated six feet earlier.
Strange, I usually ejaculate semen.

I find it so off putting when we're having sex that my wife just lies there crying.
What does she expect when our daughter is as sexy as this?

I tried to share a kebab with a homeless guy I saw sitting on a bench last night.
He told me to fuck off and buy my own.

I've decided to give up paedophilia.
No kidding.

My wife made a shit curry last night.
Personally, I prefer chicken.

My wife always complains about how I miss the bowl when I pee.
To be honest, I shouldn't be pissing in my kids cereal at all.

I parked in a disabled parth the other day and the traffic warden said: "OI! WHAT'S YOUR DISABILITY?" to which I replied "TOURETTES! NOW FUCK OFF CUNT"

[DeadManSinging]

Last night i found a young homeless girl hidden amongst the bins. She was dirty and smelt like shit, but i knew under all that grime was a pretty girl. I took her home and gave her a bath, as i dried her off I became aroused. One thing led to another and before I knew it I was frantically fucking her on the bathroom floor. At one point I was banging her so hard that you'd think she was still alive.

With my girlfriend's mouth wide open, I decided to cum in it.
Neither she nor the dentist was impressed.

I hate it when I hear someone joke about the Holocaust. It's just so wrong.
Anne Frankly, I won't stand for it.

My six year old son caught me masturbating this morning.
He said, "what are you doing, daddy?
"It's called wanking", I replied.
"You'll be doing this soon".
"Why daddy"? He asked.
Because my arm is fucking killing me.