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Post by StormInateacup on Jul 7, 2012 18:50:01 GMT -5
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Post by StormInateacup on Jul 11, 2012 9:53:37 GMT -5
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Post by StormInateacup on Jul 11, 2012 13:02:04 GMT -5
A white horse walks into a bar. The barman looks at him and says "Hey. There's a really famous drink named after you." The horse says, "What - Eric?"
An Englishmen, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says "What do you think this is - some kind of a fucking joke?"
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Post by StormInateacup on Jul 28, 2012 12:04:37 GMT -5
Moved this. I had it in the wrong fred.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2012 23:53:00 GMT -5
Ah, son of a bitch! Attachments:
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Michelle
Lecturer In Regular Oration(Lvl 4)
Some damage but doing ok.
Posts: 183
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Post by Michelle on Jul 29, 2012 0:42:32 GMT -5
That's the best!
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Post by StormInateacup on Jul 29, 2012 17:46:25 GMT -5
What goes "woof-woof BOOM!"
A terrierist.
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Post by StormInateacup on Jul 29, 2012 19:53:05 GMT -5
Why did the mushroom go to the party? Because he was a fungi.
What do you call a boomerang that won't come back? A stick.
What's brown and sticky? A stick!
What's red and sits in the corner? A naughty strawberry.
What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
What's yellow and dangerous? Shark infested custard.
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Post by StormInateacup on Aug 5, 2012 8:52:49 GMT -5
A very popular scotsman dies in glasgow and his old widow wishes to tell all his friends at once so she goes to the newspaper and says "I'd like tae place an obituary fur ma late husband" The man at the desk says "OK, how much money dae ye have?" The old woman replies "£5" to which the man says "You wont get many words for that but write something and we'll see if it's ok" so the old woman writes something and hands it over the counter and the man reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid, deid" He feels guilty at the abruptness of the statement and encourages the old woman to write a few more things. The old woman ponders and then adds a few more words and hand the paper over the counter again. The man then reads "Peter Reid, fae Parkheid deid. Ford Escort for sale"
Jock and a Englishman were flying from Edinburgh when the stewardess approached. "May I get you something?" she asked. "Aye, a whusky" Jock replied. She poured him a drink then asked the Englishman if he'd like one. "Never!" he said sternly. "I'd rather be raped and ravished by whores all the way to America than drink whisky!" Jock hurriedly passed the drink back, saying "Och, Ah didna ken there wuz a choice!"
Jock's wife Maggie went to the doctor complaining of pains in the stomach. The doctor told her it was 'just wind'. "Just wind?" she screamed at him. "It was just wind that blew down the Tay Bridge!"
A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand. The Scotsman man shouts ' Awa ye feel hoor thatâs full Oâ coos Sharn' (Don't drink the water, it's full of cow s ** t.) The man shouts back 'I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you'. The Scotsman man shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.'
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Post by StormInateacup on Aug 9, 2012 5:50:03 GMT -5
The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors.
They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.
Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
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Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
Depends how much you've been drinking.
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I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the rail-road tracks (Sweden)?
Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
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Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
What did your last slave die of?
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Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not ... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
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Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
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Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
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Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is ... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
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Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
You are a British politician, right?
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Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
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Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
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I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
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I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
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Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
Yes, gay night clubs.
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Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
Only at Christmas.
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I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross*. Can you help? (USA)
Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.
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Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
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Post by StormInateacup on Aug 9, 2012 6:00:58 GMT -5
While waiting to finalise their Australian residental status, two Afghan men start chatting. As they part, they agree to meet in a years time and see who has adapted better to the Australian way of life.
True to their word, they meet after the year is up. The first says to the second, "We have integrated so well...yesterday, I ate a meat pie and drank a VB while watching my son play Aussie rules, and we own a Holden VK Commodore."
The second man replies "Fuck off, ya towelhead."
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kelly
Graduate Of Infrequent Loquacity(Lvl 3)
Remember, attraction is a three way street...or is it a one way tunnel?
Posts: 79
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Post by kelly on Aug 9, 2012 8:29:30 GMT -5
A Jamaican guy gets stranded on a deserted island when he finds a lamp washed up on the beach. Remembering the tale of Aladdin he rubbed it, and POOF! a Genie appeared, a Jewish Genie. "Oy Vey!", exclaimed the Genie, "Am I glad to be outta there. Three hundred years I been in that thing, my life and soul! What can I do for you my boy?" The Jamaican asked the Genie if he granted wishes. "Wishes, Schmishes! Course I do. I'll grant you two wishes, used to be three but I gotta think about my margins." "Well," said the Jamaican after some consideration, "I'd like to be white and surrounded by women." "No problem" said the Genie, and with a wave of his hand the Jamaican was transformed into a tampon. Moral: Never do business with a Jewish Genie. There's always a string attached
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Post by BadBeast on Aug 9, 2012 9:43:06 GMT -5
What's about a foot long, pink, stiff, and makes women scream?
A cot death baby.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Aug 9, 2012 10:00:57 GMT -5
What's about a foot long, pink, stiff, and makes women scream? A cot death baby. ***SMACK*** BAD Beast! BAD! Snicker.
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Post by StormInateacup on Aug 11, 2012 22:30:21 GMT -5
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