|
Post by The Mad Hatter on Jul 15, 2013 23:38:19 GMT -5
Called the suicide line once. Got a call center in Pakistan, told them I was suicidal. They got all excited and asked if I knew how to drive a truck.
|
|
Xentor
Graduate Of Infrequent Loquacity(Lvl 3)
Forceful pacifist
Posts: 56
|
Post by Xentor on Jul 17, 2013 16:54:58 GMT -5
Man, that's bad!
|
|
|
Post by The Mad Hatter on Jul 17, 2013 16:56:43 GMT -5
Thank you very much!
|
|
Xentor
Graduate Of Infrequent Loquacity(Lvl 3)
Forceful pacifist
Posts: 56
|
Post by Xentor on Jul 17, 2013 16:57:45 GMT -5
OK. "How did the chicken cross the street?" - "In 4 yards of asphalt entrails."
|
|
|
Post by The Mad Hatter on Jul 17, 2013 17:08:49 GMT -5
How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
Kick his sister in the jaw.
|
|
Xentor
Graduate Of Infrequent Loquacity(Lvl 3)
Forceful pacifist
Posts: 56
|
Post by Xentor on Jul 18, 2013 7:30:09 GMT -5
What's black and white, crying in the corner?
A nun who got raped.
What's black and white, chuckling in the corner?
The priest who did it.
|
|
|
Post by Jenne on Jul 18, 2013 14:31:41 GMT -5
...I should NOT be laughing at these.
I am a very bad person.
"I'd tell you a joke about mayonnaise, but I don't want it spread..." "I'd tell you a joke about butter, but you'd only spread it around..." "I'd tell you a joke about a pencil, but it's pointless..." "I can't tell you the one about the drill, it's boring..."
HAVE YOU HEARD THE ONE ABOUT THE SKUNK? THAT'S OK--IT STINKS!!!!
|
|
|
Post by alyceavary on Jul 19, 2013 2:50:22 GMT -5
My 7 year old daughter came up with this one a few days ago: What type of dog is a vampire's favorite? A bloodhound! LOL
|
|
Xentor
Graduate Of Infrequent Loquacity(Lvl 3)
Forceful pacifist
Posts: 56
|
Post by Xentor on Jul 30, 2013 12:27:39 GMT -5
What's in the corner, slowly turning more and more red, and crying?
It's a baby with a cheese grater.
|
|
|
Post by The Mad Hatter on Jul 30, 2013 12:47:26 GMT -5
Two hillbillies get married. On their wedding night the new bride shyly tells her new husband that she is a virgin.
The new groom angrily puts on his clothes and goes home.
Upon arriving back at home, his mother tells her son to get back to the honeymoon room.
The distraught groom looks at his father and tells him that his new bride is a virgin.
"You did the right thing coming home son, if she ain't good enough for her own family, she sure as hell ain't good enough for you."
|
|
Xentor
Graduate Of Infrequent Loquacity(Lvl 3)
Forceful pacifist
Posts: 56
|
Post by Xentor on Jul 30, 2013 16:42:53 GMT -5
Once I was so happy, I jumped up into the air.
I missed.
|
|
|
Post by Jenne on Aug 2, 2013 11:46:16 GMT -5
Too clever by half: 25 highbrow jokes
1. A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: "No, I'm travelling light." 2. "Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?"
3. What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog. 4. A TCP packet walks into a bar, and says to the barman: "Hello, I'd like a beer." The barman replies: "Hello, you'd like a beer?" "Yes," replies the TCP packet, "I'd like a beer." 5. An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over. The policeman says: "Sir, do you realise you were travelling at 130km per hour?" The electron goes: "Oh great, now I'm lost." 6. Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: "Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!" 7. How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.
8. There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don't. 9. When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.
10. The barman says: "We don't serve faster-than-light particles here." A tachyon enters a bar. 11. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: "Make me one with everything". 12. What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
13. An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can't see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: "Can you see me now?" The four men answer: "Yes." "Oui." "Si." "Ja." 14. Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
15. How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it's a hardware problem. 16. A student travelling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited, he asks: "Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?" 17. Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality. 18. Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says: "Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it's funny or not?" Gödel replies: "We can't know that because we're inside the joke." Chomsky says: "Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong." 19. A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: "Five beers, please." 20. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He's 0K now.
21. An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says: "What'll it be, boys?" The first mathematician: "I'll have one half of a beer." The second mathematician: "I'll have one quarter of a beer." The third mathematician: "I'll have one eight of a beer." The fourth mathematician: "I'll have one sixteenth of a…" The bartender interrupts: "Know your limits, boys" as he pours out a single beer. 22. What does the "B" in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Answer: Benoit B Mandelbrot. 23. Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress: "I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream." The waitress replies: "I'm sorry, Monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?" 24. A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: "Euripides?" The professor replies: "Yes. Eumenides?" 25. A programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen." The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
|
|
|
Post by Jenne on Aug 5, 2013 22:37:37 GMT -5
The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words. These instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even incompetent writing may be highly entertaining. Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have. The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions. I thought my windows was done but I found out it was up when I put my head through it. I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way. A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him. I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment. In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole. I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprange up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car. I had been driving for 40 years when I feel asleep at the wheel and had an accident. I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident. As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian. My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle. An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished. I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull. I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over him. I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of my car. The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth. I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows. The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.
|
|
User
Lecturer In Regular Oration(Lvl 4)
His Wholeyness The Caterpillaric Popo
Posts: 146
|
Post by User on Aug 6, 2013 0:45:34 GMT -5
2 out of every 3 people live next to a pedophile. Not me, I live next to two smoking hot 10 year olds.
|
|
|
Post by The Mad Hatter on Aug 9, 2013 11:27:17 GMT -5
Two guys walk into a bar.
You would have thought the second one would have ducked.
|
|